It can be so hard to believe in yourself at times. When the world seems to be against you, and no one is your friend. When life looks so dark and it feels like nothing can be any worse, it's hard to have self belief. There can be reasons as to why one doesn't believe in oneself. Family, friends, teachers, peers, co-workers, strangers, they can all beat us down. They can tell us we are not good at anything, they can bring us down, they can be our enemies and steal our belief in not only ourselves but in the world and life. We, too, can be our own worst enemy. We have the power to believe what others say about ourselves or to prove them wrong. We have the power to be a self-fulfilling prophecy or not.
Demi Lovato, an American singer, song-writer, actress. A recovering self-harmer and bulimic, she is also recovering from Bi-Polar Disorder. Demi struggled in silence for many years, not only with her thoughts but with such intense feelings of being alone and numb. After going to rehab Demi has written many songs about her struggle and she is going from strength to strength. She is an inspiration to many and one of my heroes. Demi says:
"There were times I felt so anxious, almost like I was crawling out of my skin – that if I didn’t do something physical to match the way I felt inside, I would explode. I cut myself to take my mind off that. I just didn’t care what happened. I had no fear... I used to feel my most beautiful when I was on the red carpet or at events or something where I’m all dolled up...Now I feel like the moment when I feel most beautiful is when I’m able to hang out with a guy without my makeup on or lay on the beach with no makeup on and not even worrying about what my hair or what I look like before I fall asleep. When I’m confident enough to show myself without makeup on, that’s when I feel my most confident."1
Ultimately we have the power to recover. We can blame our family, friends, strangers, whoever, for our illnesses, but at the end of the day it is us who is to blame. We are the ones who have the power to speak good or bad over us. It is all down to us. It is all down to you. Do you believe in yourself?
Life has been up in the air for me the past few months. I've been on a roller coaster ride and I think I'm starting to come out of the other side. I've had times when I've been close to giving up, close to ending it and I've had times when life could not have been better. I've found it hard to believe in myself a lot these past months and although I've made it through I'm still struggling to believe in myself. Luckily I have an amazing group of friends going through similar things who are there to love and care for me, and to believe in me when I'm not strong enough to believe in myself. My friends have got me through some of the toughest times in my life and they continue to believe I can make it and I can recover.
It's easy to stand still and watch life pass us by. I have done that for many years, but over the past few months I've seen more and more friends fight for their recovery, fight for themselves, their future self, their future family, their life. I've seen them believe in themselves, even when no one else does. I've seen my friends fight and win, and also some fight and lose (for lack of a better word, I don't see it as a loss - rather a stepping stone).
I think it can be hard to believe in going somewhere... in ending up where you're supposed to be. In just going, sometime not knowing where to but trusting it will all work out okay. I see recovery in this way. I don't know what is coming. I don't know where I am going or who I will be at the 'end' of the process. I say 'end' because I wonder if I'll ever be fully recovered and it will be over or if I'll always suffer in some way. Taking a risk can be scary. Choosing to go and not stand still is scary, but essential if we are going to live life and not waste it.
There are moments in
our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a
roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of
our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around
and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something
found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and
courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance.
Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when
you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're
tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist,
somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. - Lucus Scott, One Tree hill.
Have you ever felt like the spare wheel? You know like cars have a spare wheel in the boot, which is taken everywhere and only used in an emergency, do you ever feel that's what you are? I wonder if you feel like you're only useful when something goes wrong. I certainly do from time to time. Its something I've always felt. I have always been the spare wheel in a group and never managed to find my feet.
This doesn't mean I will never find myself, or that I have not already. It means I do not feel like I have, what I feel and what is truth can be two completely different things. My mental health jades my perspective on a lot of things, acceptance and belonging being one of them. When I have spoken to friends, especially those at Uni with me, they have told me how accepted and loved I am. Yet because of my MH I don't see that of feel that, my eyes are blinded to their love.
I know one day I will see it, I will feel it. Everyone will. I want to encourage you today that if you feel like no one loves you, like the fifth wheel, like you're not needed or accepted - keep going. Hold on to hope and the belief that you are, you just can't see it. One day you will see it and it will be amazing. So keep hope, keep believing and keep going.
Two of us run Dare To Believe In Life, and I, Ami, am a Christian. I became a Christian when I was 14, around a year after I began self harming. Seven years later I'm still a Christian and I still struggle with self harm.
My Christian life has not been easy, and I know it never will be - that comes with being a Christian but being mentally ill as well has added to the struggle. Not only did I struggle with the guilt, shame and secrecy of my harming but all those feelings were intensified by what the Bible said and who it said I should be, who I was. The Bible told me I was free, I was no longer under the law of sin but I was now a new creation. I knew all this and I had become a Christian and yet I still felt the same. I always thought there was going to be this great change inside of me and I would be different, when really I was exactly the same.
I'm not here to preach to you though, just share my story of being a Christian self harmer. Over the years I've learnt that self harm is deep rooted inside of me and it is not going to go away over night, rather it will take many years of hard work to over come and I realise I may never be 100% free from it. I've come to a place where that is okay. I used to want to be from it forever, but now I know it's okay to struggle and I can't pretend otherwise.
I was speaking with my pysch last week and he asked me what I did and so I explained I'm at Biblical College and plan on becoming a Vicar, it sparked off a very interesting conversation. He asked me if my religion helps me with my mental health, I answered with this:
Sometimes it helps, it's great to know that I have people around me to pray when I'm weak, talk when I have little words, sit when I can't stand. The community I live in is a great blessing, but like with any community we have our moments. So yes, sometimes it's great to know I have a God who loves me unconditionally and people to support me and help me when I need it. However, it's not always like this. Sometimes I feel judged for being mentally ill and because I'm a Christian I should be healed, I should not have these bad thoughts or cope by harming myself. It hurts sometimes, I feel like a failure and I feel like all my friends are holier and better than me and I'm just a nobody who God forgot about and doesn't love.
So, being a Christian who is mentally ill and who self harms isn't always easy. I feel failed by the Church a lot of the time, that might be because of my illness or because they don't know what to do, or both. I want to help both Churches and Christians who suffer with MI to understand it and that it is okay and recovery is possible. My passion is to see people freed but I know that comes with a lot of hard work and pain.
I'm still not free and most likely will not be for many years, and that is okay. I have my moments where I am at my lowest, but I also have some great days. It's not all good, nor all bad. It's life. Mine may be more extreme than yours but I know I have a God who loves me, people around me and time to heal. It won't happen over night for me, I'm glad it's not... all I know is beauty will come from my pain and from my ashes.
Have a nice day came out in September 2005, I had just entered year 10 at school, I had depression and was a self harmer. I still remember buying this album. I went to my local HMV and spent 3 weeks of pocket money which I'd saved up for this cd. Bon Jovi were one of my favourite bands and so the release of this album was an exciting time in my life.
I was 14 years old, a broken, lost, lonely, confused girl looking to be accepted and loved. My whole life I'd been a wanderer and a loner. I never had many friends growing up and I spent a lot of time on my own or with my brother. My brother was my hero growing up, I loved him so much and still do - he was a reason to stick around. I had thought about and attempted suicide by the time this album was released and like many self harmers, I didn't tell anyone what was going on or about the pain, guilt and shame I was carrying. It all stayed inside and harming myself was my only release. It was also a form of self punishment.
It's fair to say I was a mess. Then this album was released. I would listen to it every morning when I walked to school - normally alone, sometimes with my friend (but only if he was on time... which wasn't often). I listened to it every afternoon walking back from school - always alone. I listened to it at break times, when doing my homework. I was always listening to this album.
This song in particular held a special place in my heart. I had my family, a house, a bed, an education, from the outside everything looked great - but from the inside, from my point of view, I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to live and survive, I wanted to know my life could and would be something better than what it was then.
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I ain't gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna be loved
I wanna be loved
I wanted to be loved. I felt so lonely and so broken. It wasn't until I met some amazing people and a friend, who used to SH, at school took notice that I began to see things could change. In year 11 I had a personal mentor at school - my history teacher, Miss.Moore. Now, Miss Moore was amazing, we would meet at lunch times and have lunch together and chat about life and what was going on. I began to trust her and confide in her. I spoke about how I didn't want my parents to move me away from my friends but we had no choice, I spoke about how lonely I felt at school - and eventually, towards the end of the year I told her about my SH.
She said she had known something was wrong but she didn't want to push me to talk, she was glad I had confided in her though. She sent me to the school counsellor and well, long story short, I didn't get on with her and that was that. I remember my last day of school, Miss. Moore gave me a card wishing me luck and to say goodbye and that she had enjoyed our times spent talking. I still have that card to this day. I think if it wasn't for her I might not be here today, so Miss. Moore thank you for all the hours you spent talking to me.
As I've gotten older and I've learnt more there is one thing I've learnt about recovery. It is hard. I've been trying to recover for 7 years now and each day is still as hard. Some days are harder and I may mess up and get it wrong but I know that one day, I'm gonna be living a life worth sticking around for I'm not going to die thinking my life was a lie, I'm going to be loved and feel loved. One day. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, or next month, or next year but one day.
Recovery is hard but I know I will make it. I'm in a place right now where I've got my diagnosis and I've got some professional help, after years of fighting for it. I'm looking for the right therapy for me and I'm on meds. I don't feel like I have the best support network in the world but I am also aware that is a lot of my own doing. I have pushed a lot of people away over the years and so now I see myself starting again from rock bottom. I have lost a lot, but I have so much to gain and it might just be me at the moment but I'm slowly learning to reach out when I need help.
So recovery - it's hard.I spend more time trying to get up than I do walking, but I'm still here, still fighting. I wake up and want to be back asleep, I'm asleep and want to wake from the nightmares. It is a long, hard, and sometimes lonely road. I am the only one who can make myself recover. Others can help me and inspire me but ultimately it all comes down to me. Do I want to recover, or do I want to be beaten? What am I going to do?
I'm going to fight, I'm going to believe and most of all I'm going to keep trying.
And so I leave you with this, a beautiful song about recovery.
Society today has an extremely fast paced, always on the go mentality which nowadays can be the cause of many breakdowns and a lot of stress. There is never any time to stop and rest or to enjoy life, if you are not doing one thing then there is always something else to be getting on with. The only time someone stops is to get a few hours sleep, and then that never seems enough for most people. So what affect does this lifestyle have on a persons mental health?
Men and women are both becoming more worn out and stretched, especially those living in cities, because of the speed at which society is moving and things need to be done. If tasks are not met and meetings not attended the work loads builds and builds along with the stress.
So then with all this pressure and stress from not only work but families and most likely the individual themselves, what affect is this having on their mental health? I believe it can only be having a negative one. Over the past 5 or so years I have seen more of my family and friends being diagnosed with Mental Illness and most of these people have been under a substantial amount of pressure and stress in their lives and they have been juggling many commitments with no time to rest and re-cooperate.
I know that my own MH is at its worst when I don't rest. Currently I'm in the middle of my end of year deadline at University and this time is a very stressful time for all of us. My MH has been suffering lately because of the stress and pressure to do my best and finish all my essays on time whilst also finding time to revise for my exam. It's fair to say I don't have much time to rest at the moment. I'm having to find new distractions, new grounding techniques and other ways of coping as I can see myself slipping back into a very dark place which I don't want to enter.
Stress and pressure are such a big contribution to MH, I believe. From personal experience and seeing how it has affected friends and my family I know that it has some effect, if not a lot. Obviously there are many reason and triggers for MI, each person is different. However, I believe that one way we can help our own mental state is through making sure we rest.
By that I don't just mean getting 8 hours sleep a night, but I mean actually stopping. Taking a few hours from a day or two in the week to go for a walk, read a book, go to the cinema. Rest. Get out of our usual environment and let our bodies relax and our brains unwind. Otherwise the stress and pressure may get too much.
So today I ask you to believe in the power of rest and to take time out for you, do something you enjoy and don't feel guilty about it because you deserve to relax and to be looked after too. You don't have to always be strong - it's okay to admit you need some time out, so go on - go rest.
Grace, it's something that I will never fully understand but something I'll always love and admire in a person. I think grace is the key to any relationship. Of course love and trust are very important too but I believe that it is grace that helps a relationship - whether romantic or platonic - to survive. Everyday relationships are tested, things happen which are out of our control which can have a knock on effect on our relationships. We have fall outs, we get hurt, we lose someone we love, but there is always grace. One of my favourite films is The Grace Card. Two police officers are partnered. One of them is a Pastor and he shows love and grace to his partner - a hopeless, angry, bitter, broken man. Grace leads to love, love leads to forgiveness and forgiveness leads to healing. It's all about grace. I've lost friends and relationships because I or the other person involved didn't show grace - and sometimes I wonder what it would be like now if I had shown it, or they had, how close would I still be to them. We can't live our lives wishing though, looking back and wondering what it would be like if we had done something differently. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and show a little grace next time. So today, I dare you to believe in grace - in the power it has. Believe in how it can change situations, lead to healing. Grace is the best gift you can give to someone so why don't you give it to someone today? Dare to believe.
